Listen, I don’t want to write you a whole essay on heteropessimism. It’s been done better by other writers.
You get it, right? Sometimes, regardless of your gender or orientation, you just need a playlist of bops on the theme of “woof, dudes are a disaster.”
Good news: Both musical theater and pop music (two of our best music genres, if you ask me) have contributed meditations on this topic to the canon. Shall we?
Forget about the Scrub: A Playlist for When Men Ain’t Shit
Here’s the playlist on YouTube, if you want to play it continuously.
“Forget About the Boy,” Thoroughly Modern Millie
Cut the cord
Is that a man I once adored?
Bonus point: This incredibly charming gender-flipped performance.
“No Scrubs,” TLC
No, I don’t want to meet you nowhere.
No, I don’t want none of your time.
“Let’s Generalize About Men,” Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
And why do men never listen and only think about themselves
As opposed to women, who always listen and never think about themselves?
Ooh, I hear you, girl!
“Woman,” Kesha
I’m a motherfucking woman, baby, alright
I don’t need a man to be holding me too tight
(This is your heads up that you may feel ambivalent about playing this playlist in front of your kids!)
“Many a New Day,” Oklahoma!
Many a light lad may kiss and fly
A kiss gone by is bygone
Never have I asked an August sky
“Where has last July gone?”
Never have I wandered through the rye
Wondering where has some guy gone;
Many a new day will dawn before I do
“Don’t Hurt Yourself,” Beyoncé
Uh, this is your final warning (Don’t hurt yourself)
You know I give you life (Don’t hurt yourself)
If you try this shit again (Don’t hurt yourself)
You gon’ lose your wife
“There’s a Fine, Fine Line,” Avenue Q
There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time
“Party for One,” Carly Rae Jepsen
Party for one
If you don’t care about me
Making love to myself
Back on my beat
“So Much Better,” Legally Blonde the Musical
It’s like making love with you all night –
No, wait, it feels so much better.
(If you want higher audio quality, here’s an alternative link, but you miss seeing a killer performance and a pink houndstooth skirt.)
“Good as Hell,” Lizzo
I do my hair toss, check my nails.
Baby, how we feelin’? Good as hell.
Featured image from Jeanine Tesori’s Thoroughly Modern Millie score.